Dirty confession time! I know you love dirty confession time, it’s like a tabloid, only the juicy gossip isn’t Britney Spears surviving 2007, it’s me surviving Paleo cooking! Before making this recipe I had never tried the whole mashed cauliflower nonsense. I was like “That is NOT going to taste like mashed potatoes so go sell crazy somewhere else.” I know! Can you believe it? So finally I broke down and tried it, I had to! I really miss my loaded mashed potatoes that I used to make Pre-Paleo. They were so good! Lots of butter, bacon, French’s Fried Onions, garlic…mmmm I could go on and on. But now I don’t have to, because I transformed my old Loaded Mashed Potato recipe and traded it in for this Loaded Cauliflower one with ALL the same fixings! Except instead of the French’s I made some onion rings out of coconut flour. This recipe came out AMAZING you guys! AMAZING! Except for one little unforeseen hiccup… More dirty confessions?! Today is your lucky day.
So apparently when you pair raw garlic with mashed cauliflower some sort of reaction occurs and it’s UNEATABLE! Is that even a word, or is it inedible? The point is you can’t eat it! The garlic flavor becomes so insanely intense that it burns your throat, stomach, and nose hairs. Good times. The first time I thought I just added too much garlic since the cauliflower isn’t as dense as potatoes, so the second time I added only 1/2 of a small clove. It was still the garlic ring of fire! In fact I’m still burping up garlic. Serious. Finally I had to go back to Paleo Stage Number 4 – Googling. So after researching I was super happy to know I’m not the only person that this has happened to, but I can’t seem to find an explanation for it. Did you guys know this?! Why didn’t anyone tell me?! I made Brad try it too just make sure I wasn’t losing my mind and he had the same reaction. Hmmm interesting. So it turns out if you want to add garlic flavor to this recipe you can either use garlic salt (which I did because no way am I going through that again!) or you can cook your garlic first by roasting or what have you and you shouldn’t have the same reaction. Okay that’s all the dirty confessions I have…for now. Oh and I may or may not have split a chocolate milkshake with CrossFit Jen after my half-marathon this weekend. Do you like how I threw that in there all sly…what?! It was still gluten free!
Paleo Loaded Mashed Cauliflower
*Makes 1 large or 2 small servings
1 small cauliflower (or half of a large one)
3 tablespoons KerryGold grass-fed butter
sea salt to taste
pepper to taste
garlic salt to taste (or you can add roasted or cooked chopped garlic)
5 slices of bacon plus drippings
1 organic cage-free egg
1/4 cup coconut flour
4 large yellow onion slices (for top onion ring garnish)
2 tablespoons chopped green onions (for garnish)
1. Cut the cauliflower florets off of the head and put them in a microwave safe dish. Microwave for 5 minutes or until tender and translucent. You can also steam your cauliflower florets if you prefer.
2. In a food processor add the cooked cauliflower florets and butter. Process until you have a smooth mashed potato like consistency, scrapping down the sides as needed.
3. Now add your seasonings, the sea salt, pepper, and garlic salt. Add a few dashes of each, puree, and then taste test adding more as needed until you reach the desired amount.
4. Transfer the mashed cauliflower into a large bowl and set aside. Now cook your bacon slices. When you have finished cooking the bacon chop it up into bacon bits and set aside. Keep the bacon drippings for the next step below.
5. Grab two small bowls or Tupperware containers. In one put the coconut flour and in the other put the egg. Use a fork to beat the egg. Now take your large yellow onion slices and dip them in the egg, completely coating each side, then dip in the coconut flour. Gently place the battered onion ring into the pan with your bacon drippings and fry on med-low heat until golden, using tongs to flip.
6. Now it’s time to load your potatoes! Grab the large bowl with the mashed cauliflower and mix in the chopped green onions and bacon bits. Then garnish with the onion rings on top and eat up!
I double dog dare you to try to add raw garlic and see if you can handle it! You can’t handle the garlic! (Jack Nicholson voice from A Few Good Men) Anyway now you know why my catch phrase is Culinary Adventures in Paleo Cooking. This was an adventure for sure. Aren’t you glad you read my blog?! So you can learn vital information like this! Seriously did you already know though? I’ve been cooking for less than a year now so I feel like I’m constantly learning and growing and figuring stuff out as I go. All I can do is laugh about it though because how funny is that?! Is it sad that I want to serve it to people as a joke when they come over just so I can watch their reaction?! It’s like that Cement Mixer gag shot you give to your buddy on their 21st birthday with Bailey’s Irish Cream and lemon juice and the lemon juice makes it curdle and they have to spit it out! Oh you don’t do that to your friends? Yours must be nicer than mine. Until next time my fellow Paleans, if you need to ward off a vampire between now and my next post, you know what to do. Here kitty kitty…