Dirty confession time! I know you love dirty confession time, it’s like a tabloid, only the juicy gossip isn’t Britney Spears surviving 2007, it’s me surviving Paleo cooking! Before making this recipe I had never tried the whole mashed cauliflower nonsense. I was like “That is NOT going to taste like mashed potatoes so go sell crazy somewhere else.” I know! Can you believe it? So finally I broke down and tried it, I had to! I really miss my loaded mashed potatoes that I used to make Pre-Paleo. They were so good! Lots of butter, bacon, French’s Fried Onions, garlic…mmmm I could go on and on. But now I don’t have to, because I transformed my old Loaded Mashed Potato recipe and traded it in for this Loaded Cauliflower one with ALL the same fixings! Except instead of the French’s I made some onion rings out of coconut flour. This recipe came out AMAZING you guys! AMAZING! Except for one little unforeseen hiccup… More dirty confessions?! Today is your lucky day.
So apparently when you pair raw garlic with mashed cauliflower some sort of reaction occurs and it’s UNEATABLE! Is that even a word, or is it inedible? The point is you can’t eat it! The garlic flavor becomes so insanely intense that it burns your throat, stomach, and nose hairs. Good times. The first time I thought I just added too much garlic since the cauliflower isn’t as dense as potatoes, so the second time I added only 1/2 of a small clove. It was still the garlic ring of fire! In fact I’m still burping up garlic. Serious. Finally I had to Google. So after researching I was super happy to know I’m not the only person that this has happened to, but I can’t seem to find an explanation for it. Did you guys know this?! Why didn’t anyone tell me?! I made Brad try it too just make sure I wasn’t losing my mind and he had the same reaction. Hmmm interesting. So it turns out if you want to add garlic flavor to this recipe you can either use garlic salt (which I did because no way am I going through that again!) or you can cook your garlic first by roasting or what have you and you shouldn’t have the same reaction. Okay that’s all the dirty confessions I have…for now.
I double dog dare you to try to add raw garlic and see if you can handle it! You can’t handle the garlic! (Jack Nicholson voice from A Few Good Men) Anyway now you know why my catch phrase is Culinary Adventures in Paleo Cooking. This was an adventure for sure. Aren’t you glad you read my blog?! So you can learn vital information like this! Seriously did you already know though? I’ve been cooking for only a few years now, and I feel like I’m still constantly learning and growing and figuring stuff out as I go. All I can do is laugh about it though because how funny is that?! Is it sad that I want to serve it to people as a joke when they come over just so I can watch their reaction?! It’s like that Cement Mixer gag shot you give to your buddy on their 21st birthday with Bailey’s Irish Cream and lemon juice and the lemon juice makes it curdle and they have to spit it out! Oh you don’t do that to your friends? Yours must be nicer than mine. Until next time my fellow Paleans, if you need to ward off a vampire between now and my next post, you know what to do. Here kitty kitty…
- 5 slices bacon
- 1 large head cauliflower
- 4 tablespoons (2 ounces/56 g) butter or ¼ cup (55 g) ghee
- ⅛ teaspoon fine-grain sea salt
- ⅛ teaspoon black ground pepper
- ⅛ teaspoon garlic salt
- 1 large egg
- ¼ cup (40 g) coconut flour
- 4 large yellow onion slices, about 1/4-inch (6-mm) thick
- 2 tablespoons chopped fresh chives or green onions, for garnish
- Cut the cauliflower florets off of the head and place them in a microwave-safe bowl. Microwave for 5 to 10 minutes or until tender and translucent. Another method is to steam them by bringing ⅓ cup (80 ml) of water to a boil in a large skillet. Add the cauliflower florets, cover, and steam until tender and translucent.
- Place the steamed cauliflower florets and butter in a food processor. Puree until a smooth mashed potato–like consistency is reached, scrapping down the sides as needed. Add the salt, pepper, and garlic salt, then puree again. Taste to check for seasoning and add more salt, pepper, or garlic salt if desired.
- Cook the bacon in a large skillet set over medium-high heat. When done remove from the bacon from pan and set aside to let cool. Leave the bacon drippings in the pan and turn the heat down to low.
- In a small mixing bowl, whisk the egg using a fork; set aside. Put the coconut flour in a separate small bowl. Dip each onion slice into the egg first and then the flour until coated. Place them in the pan with the remaining bacon drippings. Turn the heat up to medium-high and fry each side for about 2 minutes or until golden brown.
- To assemble, divide the cauliflower mash between two serving bowls. Cut the cooled bacon with kitchen sheers and crumble over the top of each serving. Then sprinkle on the chopped green onions and garnish with onion rings.
- When it comes to seasoning always start with less and add more. You can always add but you can never subtract! Once something is too salty it’s going to stay that way.
- If your cauliflower mixture seems too thick and won't blend down, try adding 1-2 tablespoons of canned coconut milk, it will help to thin it out.